Your sickness feels like home
by stopshoutingeren
Summary: Nico messages Percy while in a depressive episode and regrets it instantly.
1. Late night confessions

**Hey guys! This is my first story on here be nice pls.**  
 **Based off an actual conversation I had with my friend.**  
 **If you think i should change the rating please let me know ^^**  
 **Love you all xoxox**

 **~stopshoutingeren**

* * *

Nico hesitated over the chat box before deciding to type his message. He wanted to talk to Percy. Percy was the only person Nico could talk to about how he was feeling.

'I feel really down,' he typed, 'I know you're at work but i wanted to tell someone, I'm scared I might do something stupid. I'm trying really hard to be good though, but i've done all my coping strategies and nothings really worked, I don't know who else to turn to. I'm worried i'll hurt myself and i know this is a horrible thing to burden you with but i just have to tell someone'

He stopped. could he really send that? He and percy were close but were they close enough for this?

He was just going to have to hope they were. He quickly hit send before he could chicken out. Sadly once he'd started opening up he couldn't stop.

'The big problem is, that i kind of want to hurt myself. I want to self-destruct.'

'Maybe i'll just throw up and call it a night.'

'Gods im so fucked up.'

Suddenly he realised what he was doing. What he was saying.

'Oh my god im so sorry please ignore me please,' he typed hastily, 'I regret sending anything please just ignore me'

What had he done? How could he think sending messages like that were okay. Percy was going to be so mad, so worried.

It was an hour later before he got a reply. In this time he'd found a shaving razor and dismantled it, leaving to clean fresh and sharp blades ready for use. He was sat staring at them, thinking about how much he wanted to hurt himself but not wanting to at the same time.

He glanced at his laptop screen, 1 new message, from Percy.

He nervously opened the chat.

'Don't even bother telling me not to worry, of course I'm going to, have you done anything?'

Percy was always so good to him.

'No I haven't,' he replied, 'I'm scared. Im close to it but i haven't.'

Please don't worry about me, I shouldn't have messaged you,' he continued, 'I'm fine I promise.'

The guilt seeped in. How could he burden Percy with this? What kind of a friend was he. Gods he was so pathetic. He apprehensively watched the chat box. The 3 dots had come up to indicate Percy was typing. Nico wasn't entirely sure he wanted to hear Percy's reply.

He waited 5 minutes, Percy was still typing. He was so worried that Percy would tell him to shut up and move on.

1 new message. He hovered over the chat before finally clicking it open.

'Don't, today all I've talked about at work/ training is positivity, taking the negative and turning into a positive, I understand that's not what you want to do or even feel like doing but just tell me everything that you're feeling down about? I don't care how depressing it may seem I will do my best to help, you should always message me, hell if you want me, call me, anytime, anywhere it's probably the best way to get to me as I can't use Facebook outside my house so call me please.'

How could Percy care so much about him, he was just some kid.

'Whenever you're down,' Percy added, 'just call me, not now because my phone's dead but I'll find a charger and I'll have it tomorrow.'

Nico didnt even have a chance to reply as the next message popped up

'Just call me whenever you need to, please.'

Why did he even send the first message? There was no way he was avoiding this heart-to-heart now.

'I'm sorry I bothered you.' He started, 'the chances of me calling you are low, I don't reach out because I don't want to annoy people, I'm sorry.'

The reply was instantaneous.

'Don't be sorry, never be sorry, I'll always be here for you, you should never feel like you're annoying me, I'm always here for you.'

He wasn't good enough for Percy. He cared about him so much but he wasnt even worth the time of day. He couldn't just unload all his problems onto Percy like this.

His fingers flew over the keys as he typed 'I can't do this to you. I don't want to upset you or anything I'm sorry I messaged you I should have just left it.'

Percy responded. 'You can do whatever the fuck you want to me, you can kill me and spit on my grave and I wouldn't give a fuck, you can't upset me, don't be sorry and you shouldn't have left it, I'm glad you said something it means you trust me and trust is an amazing thing.'

Trust. Is that what this was called? He wasn't sure, he'd never really trusted anyone before. He'd never cared for anyone like he cared for percy.

Suddenly, 'I have an idea,' he typed out, 'a nice idea.'

How could he have forgotten one of his best coping strategies!

'I'm gonna draw or paint' he put, already feeling lighter than before.

Maybe it was the idea of painting, maybe it was the unconditional care he got from Percy, but he felt so much better even after just a few seconds.

He walked up to his wardrobe and got out his acrylic paint, then he grabbed a canvas from his bag and started to sketch. He wanted to reflect how he was feeling in his drawing, slowly but surely the image came together.

He added the last lines, and there it was, a girl, drowning.

He once heard someone describe depression and it stuck with him. 'Depression,' they said, 'is like drowning, and you can see everyone around you breathing fine.'

In his nicest writing above his drawing he wrote a line.

'Im drowning in my own thoughts.'

Then it was time to start painting. A rich blue for the sea, going from light to dark with depth. A short red dress, and fair skin tones to match his own.

When he finally finished painting he looked at the clock and was surprised to find it was 2AM. That exercise had sure killed some time.

Carefully he balanced the canvas on the chair and took a photo to send to Percy.

Look what i did instead of hurting myself. He smiled. It was funny how much better he felt after venting his feelings via painting. Sighing, he got into bed. He'd made it through another day. Sometimes he felt like his lungs were flooding and the pain was unbearable and yet, he managed it.

Because through it all, he was the one who looked after himself. Even if it was hard, even if he didn't want to. He sat with the body on the shower floor and picked it up, he tucked himself in at night. He kept going through the days that were tough. He did that. He could have support from others but it was down to him in the end.

And, finally, at 3AM, he curled up in bed after making it through another tough day.

And he thought to himself, surely things can only get better from here.


	2. Im sorry again

**Again, this is based of actual conversations i've had!**  
 **Nico is my weakness in life, I adore him.**

 **~stopshoutingeren**

* * *

It had been playing on Nico's mind for days. the messages he sent Percy.

'I still feel like i need to apologise for the other day you know.'

He hit send and nervously waited for a reply. None came. A day later he added 'I've messed up haven't I? I've ruined it because I'm fucked up gods why am I so pathetic?'

Four long hours passed with no reply. I mean, he's probably at work, Nico thought. That's why I haven't heard from him, he's busy with work.

Nico sighed. He didnt deserve Percy, he knew he didn't. Percy was just so nice to him, so good. How could he deserve someone so pure? He'd been kidding himself. This was just a stupid crush. He needed to break it off or it would ruin him.

Slowly, thinking about every word he typed out another message.

'Listen, im sorry, i don't mean to be such an ass the other night. You don't have to reply to me ever again. I'll leave you alone for good its probably for the best anyway. So yes, im properly sorry for being so weak. I'm so so sorry, goodbye Percy'

Oh gods that sounded awful.

'Don't feel bad either its not you're fault its mine for being so pathetic. So in conclusion, i'm going away, i'm sorry, don't blame yourself and goodbye.'

Another painfully long three hours passed before it occurred to him, that message sounded like a suicide note. 'Goodbye' was so final. Why had he put that?

He didn't want Percy to worry so he added a final note, 'I should probably clarify, i'm fine i'm just gonna leave you alone i'm not going to do anything stupid okay so don't worry.'

* * *

It was 4am and Nico couldn't sleep. He felt so sad, he missed Percy already and it had only been a few hours. Could someone remind him why he thought breaking it off was a good idea? Oh yeah, because he was fucked up.

Next to him on the bed his phone buzzed twice and lit up. Oh no, this was going to be Percy replying. Did he even want to see what he had to say? Probably not. Was he going to check it anyway? Of course.

Nervously he unlocked his phone and opened up Percy's message.

'Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, you're not leaving me for anything, I've only just got home from being out since Wednesday, I haven't replied because I've been at work, I didn't mean to make you feel like this I've just been so busy, I literally haven't had any breaks or anything I've just been working for 72 hours straight I didn't mean to upset you or anything, I gave you my number so you could reach me at any time, I can't use messenger outside of my house and I haven't seen it in three days, you honestly haven't done anything wrong or upset me in anyway, I've just been so busy, these past few weeks have been hectic and in all honesty the next two at least will be too, if I ever have a day off or even a few hours before a shift you will be the first person to know, please don't feel bad, I'm just an ass, please, don't say you're leaving'

He... he cared, he didn't want Nico to leave. He'd just been busy with work.

Still, Nico didn't deserve Percy, he knew that much.

He quickly replied, 'I'm just pathetic that's all there is to it. I don't want to upset you or anything and idk I just feel like telling you I was bad has messed me up don't feel bad though I guessed you were at work I don't know I'm just a loser in a bad place and I'm convinced people don't really like me and its all just one big joke. I don't want to drag you down. No one needs to deal with me.'

'And I don't want to bother you which is the main reason I haven't text you' He added, 'but I'm such a mess and you don't need my shit you know?'

The three dots that indicated Percy was typing appeared almost instantly. Was he doing the right thing? Trying to make Percy not care? Maybe, maybe not.

'You're fucking kidding right?' Percy typed, 'I think you're fucking amazing, I wouldn't like you if you were any other way, you haven't upset me and you can't, you're not pathetic at all, you're awesome, you're not a loser you're fucking awesome, stop convincing yourself people are just with you and don't like you, if they didn't like you, they wouldn't fucking be with you, you can't drag me down, I've been pulling myself up forever I don't know what down looks like anymore, no one has to but everyone wants to because you're so fucking amazing, I've said before you will never bother me, text me whenever, you're not a mess and if you were you'd be a damn fucking hot mess and your shit, my shit, all ends up in the same place doesn't it? Why not all help each other? If I didn't think I could handle it I wouldn't even be speaking to you and yet here I am.'

Nico felt the tears coming. Before he knew it he was crying freely.

'... I'm literally crying please tell me you aren't lying.'

The response came straight away, 'why the fuck would i lie?'

The answer to that was easy. 'To make me feel better. I'm so sorry.'

'Again, why the fuck would I lie?' Percy retaliated. 'I'm not trying to make you feel better I'm trying to point out facts that need to be taken in, and no, don't be sorry'

Nico sobbed as he typed his reply. 'I don't deserve you being so nice though I don't see what you see in me I just see this.. mess. I'm literally crying my eyes out I don't think I could be more of a mess right now.'

Nico shakily wiped his tears as he read Percy's response.

'I'm not being nice, I'm not trying to be nice, I just want you to know how much I care, caring isn't being nice it's just being a human, I see everything in you, you're smart and handsome, what else do you need? Stop crying, crying is forbidden, you're stronger than that'

Oh gods, did... did Percy feel the same way about Nico? You don't just tell your friends they're handsome... maybe... no it can't be. It must have just been a slip of the tongue he thought sadly.

'I can't stop crying now that's the problem. I'm sorry i'm like this.' Nico put, frowning.

'Well why the fuck are you crying?' Percy asked. 'And fucking hell, stop apologising, it's not a problem, you don't have to apologise to me for anything'

Nico snapped.

'I'm crying because I can't believe how nice you're being to me okay?! I'm relieved you don't hate me for having problems! Hell I'm relieved you don't hate me full stop!'

'I'm not being nice, oh my,' Percy said simply, 'and I could never hate you in general fuck your problems just you as a person is amazing to me'

Nico wiped the last few tears away and took a deep breath. Percy really cared about him. He was going to be okay. Percy cared.

'By the way,' Percy added, 'If i don't reply, i fell asleep, i don't mean to be rude i just fell asleep'

'It's fine,' Nico said calmly, ' You can go if you like.'

Nico waited 10 minutes, no reply.

He waited 20, still no reply.

Sighing he shut his computer, he should really go to sleep too to be honest. He pulled the quilt up around his neck and curled into a ball. As though he could hold himself together if he tried hard enough. At least he'd stopped crying.

And Percy... gods Percy cared. This was more than he'd ever dreamed of. Percy really, truly cared.

And with that as his last thought, he drifted off into sleep for another night.


End file.
